I'm not an expert on marriage. Heck, I'm not even really an expert on MY marriage, but in the almost 11 years that Mr. Lyfe and I have been together I've learned the importance of a few valuable habits that have made the difference between a happy marriage with struggles (because life as a young married couple with babies and toddlers will always be a struggle!) and miserable and struggling.
I am a child of divorce. In my parent's case it was a divorce made in heaven, and the strength my mother showed in leaving my abusive and verging on homicidal father amazes me to this day. It was literally the BEST THING that happened in my childhood. Days before my 10th birthday my mother told us that we were never going back, and the happiness that filled that tiny hidden hotel room was so great that we were all literally jumping with joy. So when I reached the time in my life to choose a husband and father for my children I chose the man that was truly the best, and I firmly believe that with all my heart. Mr. Lyfe is everything I ever hoped for in a husband and more. Do we have our challenges? Absolutely, but we are both determined to work through them and come out stronger together.
We've experienced job loss, buying a home, having family live with us for an extended period of time, losing not one - but two pregnancies, having a high needs baby/overexcitable toddler, threats to our lives, family attempting to interfere in our relationship, an accidentally unattended home birth (with the midwife still 20 minutes away!), a move across country, and the reality of living with both ADHD and anxiety in our home. Its kind of been a lot, and after our second son was born we found ourselves fully in survival mode. For well over a year. Then we got pregnant again with baby three. By the time Young Edward was 18 months we reached a little bit of a crisis point in our relationship. We hadn't had time alone together in months, we were barely able to maintain some intimacy together because of two children determined to smell my armpits all night long, and were desperately out of sync with each other's needs. No one is happy like that. We decided to take a step that really set us back on steady footing as a couple, and allowed us to reconnect with each other.
We started going on weekly dates.
Yep, that's it. Now, there are times when the dates don't happen because Father Ginger is working, or the children are sick, or it's a holiday and we spend time together as a family instead. To be honest since we both started school we've often found ourselves stuck in survival mode again (especially through the pandemic!) so we've had to be flexible with how we get our weekly dates. But it helps so much! Sometimes we are able to trade baby sitting with some friends, other times our weekly date is loading the boys into the van, turning the music to the back, and going on a drive to pick up groceries so we can talk while we drive. It doesn't matter HOW we do it so much as it matters THAT we do it. Before our move we would send the boys to spend some time with Grandma and we just clean up the house. Literally, cleaning was our date. But we do it together, we talk about whatever is on our minds while we clean, we have some uninterrupted intimacy without worrying about whether someone is going to need one of us to rush out and wipe a poopy butt, and we just get to be ourselves for a few hours. The people we were before kids, the couple we were before kids. To remember why we choose to keep working through all of this together, rather than just giving up on each other. To remember what we love about each other.
Now, there are a lot of things that can go wrong in a relationship, and I am in no way trying to say that going on a weekly date will fix all of them. Because it won't. But if you've got a pretty good foundation to your relationship and find yourselves stuck rushing from one crisis to the next without time to stop and breathe and connect, with frustration and loneliness building up as you go, then give it a try. Give it 3 months. Go on some sort of date every week, whether it is hanging out together at home while family or friends watch the kids for a few hours, going on a 30 minute drive to the nearest (or farthest!) Walmart to get some stuff, or taking your kids to the park and letting them play while you two talk, just do it. Figure out what will work best for you as a couple and with your family situation. Find a way to make it happen. If after 3 months you don't feel better as a couple, then maybe go seek some professional or ecclesiastical help. But try the dates first. You may be surprised to find that your relationship isn't as rocky as you thought it was!
What about you? Have you found one small thing that makes a huge difference in your relationship with your spouse? Do you also go on weekly dates to stay connected? How do you keep your relationship strong? Leave a comment and let us know!
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